Pain
by kirstencohen
Summary: It was getting worse and he wasn't getting tired of it. Kirsten angst. May be disturbing for some readers. Not graphic but dark topics implied
1. Prologue

**First of all NEVER gonna happen but i'm just venting all this bottled up rage at certain characters on the show right now so enjoy i guess. **

**PG/13 **

Kirsten pushed the door to her office open to find Julie sitting at her desk. She tried to ignore the throbbing in her ribs and smiled, "Julie, good morning."

"Morning Kiki. I was just looking through some documents. How are you feeling?"

"Uh fine, it was just the flu but I'm okay now." She answered determinedly. Julie, happy with her reply, nodded and swept out of the room leaving Kirsten alone with her work.

It was almost two and pain in her ribs began to pound. She found a box of painkillers in her desk and emptied the contents. She kept telling herself it would be over soon. Then again she had been saying that for the past two months. How could she have let it get so out of hand? Her head was still spinning from the night before and no matter how she positioned herself her ribs and abdomen still seared with pain. All she wanted to do was curl up and hide from the world but it wasn't an option. She went through her day masking her life. She had come to master the art of hiding her fear, painting on a face to keep the world out.

She felt her stomach lurch every inch closer she came to her home. The gnawing in the pit of her stomach increased as she saw the lights on in the kitchen. She found her boys both at the table reading comic books. "Hey guys, how was school?" she greeted warmly. Seth didn't look up from his comic as he answered.

"The usual. You know water-polo players and their cheerleading groupies. How was work?"

"The usual. You know hyped-up shareholders and their stocks. What you doing?"

"Comic book club." Ryan answered in monotone. She turned to reach for the coffee pot when she heard her husband enter behind her.

"There's my angel." He reached out and wrapped his arm around her waist pulling her forcefully toward him. She winced as he pressed on her abdomen but he only grinned at her expression. He pressed a kiss onto her cheek and proceeded to the sink trying to ignore his wife's grimace.

**Please Review**


	2. Another Round

**Okay some of you misinterpreted the first chapter and think this is a fluffy fic about pregnancy. Well sorry folks but that it aint. It's kinda dark and might get violent (more violent) later on in the chapters.**

Chapter 2

Kirsten unbuttoned her shirt slowly trying to limit the use of her arms as much as she could. She peeled her shirt of cautiously and eyed the large bruise on her stomach. It had gone a deep shade of purple. She turned to see her back and saw the impression his foot had made three nights before. She pulled her jeans off gingerly and found more cuts and bruises along her thighs. Up till then he had been sure not to go near her face until the last time. He swung his hand out suddenly and connected with her cheekbone. She fell roughly to the ground and hit her head off the dresser. A warm trail of blood lined her forehead and he stooped down suddenly to see the damage. As he stared he muttered, "Take it you'll be staying home for a few days." The next morning she called in sick with the flu and hid from her boys for the next few days. When they questioned her whereabouts he told them she was sick just like she had told her father. Now as she stood under the harsh lights her wounds highlighted garishly. She was almost ashamed as she ran her hands across her abdomen. When she heard a knock at the door she closed her eyes and prepared herself for another round with her loving husband.

That night she lay awake her back facing him. She cradled her swollen hand in her lap and cried softly. The first time she told herself it was her own fault. She had gotten him mad. Her incessant babbling about Rebecca and Valentines Day had riled him up. When his hand flew out and slapped her hard across the face she stepped back in amazement. He pulled his hand back staring at it in shock unable to believe what had happened. Kirsten, her hand placed over her cheek, looked on waiting for his next move. Tears? Apologies? Regret perhaps? But none of that came. He simply marched out of the room and returned five minutes later with an ice pack. He found her in the bathroom crying in front of the mirror. He simply placed the ice pack on the counter and left. She promised herself that she'd forgive him. It was so out of character that she knew in her heart of hearts that it was a mistake. She waited until his car pulled into the driveway but no sounds of an exhaust came. Just the sound of staggering footsteps and the turn of the key in the lock. She waited in the hall as he fell through the doorway in a daze, "Ahh it's you." He spat viciously. He slammed the door loudly and threw his keys to the floor.

"Sandy listen…"

"No YOU listen. Do you realise that she left because of you. She's gone. Again. I lost her twenty years ago and now you've drove her away from me again." Kirsten struggled to make out his hurried slurs. As she frowned and leaned in closer to try and understand his rambling he reached out and grabbed her by the arm and threw her to the floor next to his keys.

She lay on her tear stained pillow and prayed she wouldn't need a cast for her hand. Every night she waited for morning to come so she could escape from her home that had become her own personal hell.

**I know this isn't gonna be everyone's cup of tea but review anyway and let me know what you thought even if you hated it but constructive criticism. Please don't flame.**


	3. Nausea

**Lots of violence in this chapter.**

**Should I bump the rating up to R? I wasn't sure because I don't really go into detail about the beatings just the aftermath of it all but please let me know if you think I should I don't mean to offend anyone.**

Chapter 3

Kirsten managed to get to her hands and knees shakily and cough violently. Gasping for air she felt the room spin around her. His raspy breathing above her slowed and he sat on the end of the bed watching her. She couldn't figure out if when he did this whether he was feeling guilty or perhaps enjoying her struggle. She was too busy trying to breathe to notice this time. She coughed again more forcefully and she watched as her blood spattered the pristine carpet. She brought her hand to her mouth and felt a warm sensation run across her fingers. She coughed again this time holding her hand over her mouth trying to catch the blood. She heard gentle footsteps coming up the stairs and she turned to her husband in a panic. He watched the door eyes narrowed until he heard a knock. "Hey are you okay? I heard a bang up here." It was Seth. Kirsten ran her trembling hands through her hair and Sandy answered loudly.

"Yeah son we're fine. Your mother tripped over her dresser again." His eyes danced at the danger of being caught. Seth paused and turned away before turning back. Why weren't they opening the door?

"Mom?" he said uneasily. Kirsten noted the tone of his voice. He sounded like a child again. Sandy turned to his wife who had got to her knees and wiped furiously at her nose.

"Yeah Seth? What is it?" her voice came out a croaky rasp. Seth's heartbeat quickened.

"Mom?" he almost sobbed, "Can I come in?" he placed his hand on the door handle and waited until his father yelled.

"No, Seth, just go back downstairs okay?"

Seth turned away a gnawing feeling in his stomach. He remembered the feeling from when Luke and his cronies used to chase him in the schoolyard or when he had to get an injection. But this was worse. He had pangs of nausea on and off over the past few days. He could tell something was wrong. His mother hadn't smiled in weeks and she was becoming more and more withdrawn. She took random days of absence from work and got sick a lot. According to his father. They weren't allowed to see her when she was sick. When his father had told him this he simply shrugged it off and continued to battle away on his playstation. But as it became more and more frequent he began to worry. His mother hadn't been herself for weeks. She was fast becoming a recluse only leaving her home to go to work. She would sit in the kitchen for dinner and then retreat to her room closely followed by his father. At first he didn't want to think about what they were doing but as it became an every night event he got more and more confused and concerned about his parents. Seth knew that Ryan felt the same and had watched Kirsten closely over the past few days. She spoke only when spoken to and in the morning when she gave a short, "Good morning." Seth went slowly down the stairs a few steps and then stopped. He saw Ryan appear at the foot of the stairs. Seth put his finger to his lips and pointed to the door behind him. Ryan nodded and climbed the stairs quietly. They both stood outside the door and listened intently. Seth felt queasy as he listened to his father's words.

"Clean yourself up you look disgusting." His voice was cold. They heard a small whimper come from Kirsten and she coughed again. She couldn't catch her breath.

Ryan tried the handle of the door and found it was locked. He looked at Seth who had gone a few shades lighter in the past few moments. Seth lifted his fist and battered at the door, "Open the door." He yelled.

"Seth go back downstairs." His mother's voice, stronger now, sounded from the other side.

"Open the door now, Kirsten." Ryan said allowing some of the fear creep into his voice. She paused before answering again.

"Look I'm okay now just go back to what you were doing. Stop worrying about me." Her voice was almost pleading as she begged her son's to leave. She wouldn't let them live through this. It was her problem. She would deal with it.

Ryan turned to Seth who had gone from white to a dark crimson. Just as he was about to try again the door swung open and Sandy came out of the room. He pulled the door shut behind him, "Look guys your mom's not feeling too good so if you just wanna go back downstairs and let her rest. Ryan noticed Sandy was breathing faster than normal and his cheeks were flushed pink. His hair was sticking up wildly as his eyes glistened in the light. Ryan pushed past Sandy and into the room and found it empty. He looked over to the bathroom and began to make his way over to it when he felt a strong grip on his arm, "Leave her Ryan, she's fine." His voice rang with anger. Ryan pushed Sandy forcefully away from him and he and Seth jogged to the bathroom. Kirsten was laying in the middle of the floor her hair draping her face. Her white top stained red was now stuck to her soaked body. Her eyes rolled in her head and she began to vomit. Ryan rolled her quickly onto her side when he realised she was unconscious. He placed his hand on her burning forehead and checked her pupils before hearing a loud bellow from the bedroom. "You stupid son of a BITCH!" Ryan got to his feet and found Seth having pummelled his dad into a wall. He had his arm pressed against his neck and Sandy's lip bled profusely from where Seth must have previously punched him. "You're a sick bastard you know that? Ever go near her again and I will kill you. KILL YOU!" Ryan dragged his brother away before shoving Sandy through the sliding doors onto the patio. Ryan ran to the bathroom and lifted Kirsten into his arms. "Come on Seth. Get the car." Seth turned to his lifeless mother and his face crumpled slightly. He ran to his brother and took her from him. "You drive," he said simply as he headed for the door. They met Sandy in the hall.

"Where are you going?" his voice was panicky as he tried desperately to drive an answer from either one of them. "Taking her away from you." Ryan answered his voice fuelled with disgust as Seth placed his mother in the back of the range rover.

**Please review even if you hated it.**


	4. Brothers Come Together

**Now that Sandy isn't the world's biggest ass anymore it pains me to continue with this but I will soldier on and pretend that Carter is the bad guy. (But only in my head)**

**This is for Liza who reminded me that I actually wrote this lol.**

**Thanks to all my loving reviewers lol.**

Chapter 4

Seth stood with his head pressed against the cold window. Behind him his mother slept and his brother paced the room. He ran over the events of the previous weeks and it all came together. How could he not have seen it? Did he know but not want to confront the fact that his father isn't who he thought he was? A hand slamming down on his shoulder interrupted his thoughts. Seth found Ryan next to him staring out of the window. "What are we gonna do?" he asked not taking his eyes off of the passing traffic. Seth narrowed his eyes and turned to his brother.

"What do you mean?"

"Your dad. He wants to see her."

"Well he can rot in hell." Seth said viciously. Ryan felt his brother's body tense at the thought of Sandy.

"Are we gonna tell anyone?" Ryan pushed.

"I don't think she'd want her personal life broadcasted to the town, Ryan."

"Yeah Seth, I get that but what about Caleb and Julie and Summer she's been wondering why we haven't been at school."

"I think we should talk to mom. See what she wants us to do."

"What did you tell Caleb?"

"That she was still sick. Flu." Seth answered. Ryan nodded and continued to stare.

"What do you think he'll do?" Ryan asked carefully.

"Grandpa? He'll kill him." Seth answered seriously, "No Ryan I mean it. He's actually gonna have my dad shot." Ryan stepped back and took a seat next to the hospital bed where Kirsten still lay asleep. When she had first come round she refused to see the boys so the only time they could check on her was when she was asleep. The rest of the time was spent in the lobby living out of vending machines for the past two days.

"She'll be getting out tomorrow." Ryan stated. Seth didn't turn around. He didn't want to think about where they were gonna take her. Ryan continued.

"Are we taking her home?" Seth again didn't answer. He sighed heavily and turned around signalling that he didn't want to talk about it. Ryan shook his head.

"Seth, we have to think about this okay? We have to talk to Sandy and see what's going on." Seth turned and found his mother starting to stir. He sat on the bed next to her and held her hand in his.

Kirsten opened her swollen eyes as best she could and winced at the searing pain in her abdomen. She found her boys on either side of her watching expectantly. "Hey." She whispered. She saw Seth's eyes water and Ryan closed his eyes. She hated being so weak in front of them. "You guys should go home. Go to school. See Summer and Marissa."

"We wanna be with you, mom." Seth said shakily. Kirsten let a tear escape and she tightened her grip on Seth. She turned to Ryan, "I'm so sorry for doing this to you. Making you go through this again." Ryan shook his head and put his hand up.

"Don't. Just get better. You have no idea how much we need you. Seth can't even pick his clothes in the morning." he tried to joke but he knew Kirsten saw through it. Sandy had always been the joker. He looked up and saw her still staring at him waiting. She knew he had something else to say. He sighed, "I was scared." Kirsten smiled weakly trying to hold back the tears.

"I'm sorry."

* * *

Seth and Ryan both exchanged nervous glances before getting out of the Range Rover. Ryan tried the door and found it unlocked. He stepped into the hall with Seth behind him. They both stood in the foyer waiting for something to happen. It looked the way it always did as if nothing had happened. Ryan was the first to step down the stairs. Seth hung back afraid to go any further. "I can't, Ryan. I can't see him." Seth said quietly. 

"Come on, Seth. I can't do this on my own." Ryan said almost begging. He was just as scared to face Sandy as Seth was. Sandy was supposed to be Ryan's saviour. The guy who took him away from the violence and the drinking and the drugs. Instead he took him to a place where everything was the same. Just disguised by a pretty package and some pretty lame lies. He had had a nagging feeling for a week or so before he finally decided to confront them. The signs were all the same. Kirsten's unexplained reservation from the family. Her quietness and flinching at every touch. Sandy's overbearing humour escalating more and more whenever Kirsten was around. He was trying too hard to hide it that it was now glaringly obvious what had been going on. Seth hadn't spoken for a while and Ryan took a few steps toward him.

"Please Seth. I can't do this on my own. Do it for her."

**Please review.**


	5. Fitting

**Okay I hope this is longer than usual. I'll try to update again by Friday but please review and tell me what you think. I can't keep going if you don't tell me what you want.**

**No violence in this chapter just a lot of crying and tears and yadda yadda yadda you know the drill.**

Chapter 5

Seth looked at Ryan for a moment before nodding. He willed his legs to move but they were like lead. Ryan put his hand on his arm, "Come on man we gotta do this." Seth nodded again and stepped carefully down the stairs. Ryan had his hand placed firmly on his back mostly for support but also to keep him moving. Ryan felt his heart pumping in his throat. He scanned the rooms and found nothing. It was exactly how they had left it. When they got to the kitchen there was a collection of random empty bottles. Whisky, vodka, gin there was even a few bottles of wine dotted along the counter. Seth sucked in his breath and proceeded through the kitchen and into the den where they found Sandy passed out on the couch. He was unshaven and hadn't changed from the clothes he had on three nights ago. Ryan saw signs of Kirsten's blood still stained into the fabric of his tee shirt. Seth noticed his bruised knuckles and cringed. Ryan crossed the room and nudged Sandy awake. Sandy jerked up quickly and lashed out. Ryan dodged the drunken punch easily but stood back in awe. When Sandy saw who was standing in front of him his expression softened. "Ryan…" he whispered softly. Ryan stood back next to Seth trying to figure out what to say next. Seth listened to his father slur hurried apologies for a few moments before he lunged up in attempt to hug his son. Seth pushed his father harshly back onto the couch.

"Don't touch me," he said loudly. Sandy looked up defeated. He put his head in his hands and Seth realised that he pitied his father. Broken and alone, he would now spend the rest of his life shunned by his family and friends. Ryan was the first to broach the subject of Kirsten.

"Look we just wanna know what your plans are."

"What do you mean?" He seemed to have caught his attention long enough to stop weeping. His eyes darted between both boys as he wondered what they expected him to do.

"Mom gets out of hospital tomorrow and we need to know if you're gonna be here if we come back." Sandy frowned.

"What do you mean if you come back? You have to come back."

"We're not bringing her back to this. To you." Ryan said vehemently. He looked down and saw a tear roll down his cheek and once again Sandy burst into tears. He looked down at his hands and ashamed at the scars left on his knuckles he covered them up.

"Yeah I don't think you need to hide them anymore, _Dad_." Seth spat the word, "Dad," in disgust. He didn't think he could ever address his father as Dad ever again.

"I'll do whatever she wants. She wants me outta here then I'm gone. She wants me to stay then I'm here." He got up slowly from the couch and grimaced slightly at his whisky and vodka induced headache. He turned to Seth, "I let you down," he looked over at Ryan, "Both of you. I'm sorry. Just… tell her I love her will you and that I'm sorry?" After a pause Seth was the first to speak.

"She wants you gone. Out of this house and out of our lives. We never wanna see you again." His eyes were cold and his father stared back in disbelief. Seth continued, "And know this. If Grandpa finds out about this you had better believe we won't have to worry about you again. He's gonna put you in the ground so you had better hope that my mother, YOUR WIFE, the woman you promised to look after and protect and love until the day you die, decides to spare you because you're not gonna last long here if anyone finds out about this." Seth's words came out in ragged gasps. His face, flushed crimson with anger, was screwed up in disgust. Ryan looked between them both. Father and son. There once wonderful relationship at an end in tatters. Sandy turned slowly and retreated up the stairs to pack.

Kirsten lay on the hospital bed curled into a ball. She twirled her wedding bands on her finger. Each of the rings suited to the shape of the other. She had always thought of the rings as symbolic of her family. Her, Sandy and Seth all fitting together perfectly like her rings. But when Ryan arrived she didn't think about it as much. Now she realised it was appropriate again. They were three again. Her, Seth and now Ryan. But no more Sandy meant no more wedding ring. She took it off carefully keeping the different parts together. Her hand looked naked without it. A small tear made it's way past her bruised cheek and onto the flat grey pillow. She slid the wedding ring onto her third finger on her right hand. She couldn't give them up. Not yet. It was too soon.

Seth and Ryan rode back in silence. A few escaped whimpers came from Seth but Ryan responded only by a few pats on the back. When they pulled into the parking lot Seth jerked from his seat and pulled at his seatbelt. Ryan stopped the car and ran round to Seth's side. He opened the door and pulled Seth from his seat in time for Seth to throw up at the side of the road. Ryan placed a hand on his back as he retched into the bushes. Seth straightened up and checked his clothes before glancing at his brother. He saw his eyes glazed over with tears forming against his will. Seth reached out suddenly and pulled Ryan towards him. He let out a muffled sob and wrapped his arms around Seth tightly. They both stood there for a second leaning on each other. When they both pulled away Ryan wiped his tears away and got back into the car. Seth slid into his seat and pointed to a free parking space a few yards away.

**Please review I beg of you!**


	6. Home Truths

**Okay here ya go. Not really got to Kirsten's POV much yet but I will. Enjoy.**

Chapter 6

Kirsten sat cross-legged on her bed. She stared at the small bag containing her pyjamas and toiletries she had been living on for the past four days. She turned away and caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror. Her eye was still a bluish-black colour but her cheek had calmed down and the cut on her lip had shrunk considerably. Her ribs still pounded and she was worried about her wrist. It was still twisted into an odd shape and even after the doctors proclamations about it healing in due time she continued to resist any pressure or strain on it. She looked down at her right hand and eyed the three platinum bands sparkling in the light obviously comfortable in their new home. Her left hand felt empty. Almost naked without them. Her right hand would soon feel the same.

Seth peeked in on his mother wondering how ready she was to go back to the manor. He saw her sitting in the Buddha position in the middle of her bed. He smiled sadly at how young she looked. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she wore an old Berkeley sweater Seth swore used to belong to his father. He wondered how long it would take for her to let him go. She refused to let them remove any photos of him around the house and she still wore her wedding rings. When she asked for the sweater he recoiled in shock but obediently returned to the manor to retrieve it for her. Both he and Ryan had spent the best part of a day scrubbing down the carpet in the bedroom and clearing away any signs of blood or struggle in the house. Seth wanted to call Rosa but Ryan shook his head, "This is something we have to do, Seth. Wash away all the shit and start again." They changed the sheets on the bed and washed down the windows even though they both doubted she would ever sleep in that bed again. The bathroom en suite was worse. Two large pools of blood had spread across the floor and the towel that Kirsten had used to try and stop the blood was thrown in a ball on the floor. That had to be thrown out. Ryan went to hide all the wedding photos and holiday snapshots around the house of Sandy but Seth stopped him.

"I already asked her. She wants it the way it was." Ryan shrugged and went to the pool house. He reached for a box under his bed and pulled off the lid. He found the holiday card from the previous year that he had requested from Marissa. He opened it up.

"To,

Jimmy and Marissa

Hope you have a great Chrismukkah

From

The Cohens."

It was the first photo he had of the family and he didn't want to ask Kirsten so he tried Marissa.

"_Do you still have your Chrismukkah card from the Cohens?"_

"_Uh sure why?" She asked frowning._

"_Could I have it? I don't really have any… uh could I have it?" He asked again. Marissa nodded._

"_Sure I'll find it for you tonight."_

When he got home that night he hid it away with his other memories. Now he looked at the four smiling faces as a tear fell onto the surface. He ripped out the top right corner and scrunched it into a ball. They didn't need Sandy now. They were a three. That's all they needed. He found the business card that Sandy gave to him the first time they met. He tore it in half and threw into the wastebasket. The pack of cigarettes he had from his first night still half full lay there next to his old house key and his bike chain. He remembered how he quit for Sandy. He wanted to be a good son. Hell, he'd have settled for a good houseguest so long as it made him happy. He longed to suck in the nicotine and feel the sense of serenity wash over him again but he wouldn't do it to Kirsten. He knew she was proud of him and he didn't want to destroy that. He threw the Marlboro into the trash along with the photo and the business card.

Kirsten climbed into the passenger side of the car and rolled her window down. Ryan sat in the back seat and Seth drove. Kirsten knew Seth would need something to concentrate on and keep his hands busy on the way home. She was glad Ryan knew this too and insisted Seth drive. Kirsten turned to Seth and then to Ryan, "So what now?" she asked suddenly. They both remained silent, worry etched upon their faces.

"Well you said you wanted to go home. But if you still wanna go to Caleb's… I mean we could talk to him. Explain."

"No I do wanna go home. I just mean what are we gonna tell people when they ask where I've been or where Sa… Sandy is." She finished.

"Mom, it's up to you. We could say you were sick and Dad… had an affair?" Seth tried. Kirsten laughed softly.

"Yeah that could work." She smiled. There was silence again before Ryan reached for Kirsten's shoulder. She flinched away instinctively and Ryan lifted his hand like she was on fire. Both Ryan and Kirsten froze before Kirsten relaxed and reached for his hand, "Sorry," she apologised sadly.

"I was just gonna say that what ever you want us to do. We'll do." Ryan said trying to brush over the tension. Kirsten nodded and turned away to stare out of the window. She turned back again a few minutes later and said quietly, "I think I have to tell my dad. And you guys shouldn't be lying to Summer and Marissa." Kirsten turned away again signalling the end of the conversation. As they pulled into the driveway the tension in the air intensified and Kirsten stiffened. She knew he wasn't literally in there but _he_ was there. He clung to the walls and the carpets of every room. His essence hung the air. Even though he wouldn't be there she would see him everywhere. As she followed Ryan through the door Seth placed a comforting hand on her back and helped her down the stairs. She looked around and saw the door of the study swung open. There were no telltale signs of her husband anywhere no cold coffee cup or a plate covered in crumbs. No scrunched up pieces of paper with mindless notes scrawled across it. She looked at the kitchen and saw the bagel cutter. She would have laughed at herself if she could but the sight of it made it all too real. It was a part of the old Sandy who she had fallen in love with. The Sandy who made her bagels and coffee for breakfast in bed with a small vase of daffodils or snowdrops or what ever was is season at that point in time. But he was gone. It was as if an alien had come down and taken over his body and he was any minute going to be knocking on the door singing, "Please Don't Give Up On Me," again. She felt Seth nudge her toward the stairs, "Where to mom?" he asked carefully. She didn't know. She didn't know if she could face their bedroom or whether she could even sit on the edge of the bed never mind sleep in it again but the thought of staying in a guest room was worse. It wouldn't be home. The guest room was decorated to suit everyone. It was too random. It would be like living in a hotel. She wanted that even less than sleeping in her old bed. She turned to Seth, "I can't sleep in a guest room but I don't know if…" she faltered and Seth nodded his head.

"Okay let's get you settled then." He answered firmly. Kirsten climbed the stairs and smiled as Seth's room came into view.

Kirsten sat on the edge of the bed surrounded by posters she had when she was a teenager. The Clash, The Sex Pistols, The Jam. There were a lot she didn't know but she found herself staring at one poster in particular. Ryan sat down next to Kirsten as Seth cleared some space for his mother's belongings. He turned and found his mother staring at something. Her eyes travelled to his Deathcab for Cutie,Transatlanticism poster, "You didn't even know Deathcab were a band at Chrismukkah," he said frowning.

"I like the picture." She said softly still staring, "But it's sad."

"How so?" Ryan asked.

"Well the crow. It's trapped. Tied down and the red lines I guess that could be blood but it's probably a sign of passion. It's being kept there by some force perhaps its fear or even love." She stopped short and laughed softly, "Sorry. I guess I haven't really looked closely at things in a while." Seth looked at Kirsten almost scared. He had never heard her drift away so far before. He continued to place her clothes into drawers as Kirsten sorted through her bag.

Kirsten held the phone to her ear firmly as the ring sounded over again. "Hello?"

"Daddy?" Kirsten asked in a small voice. She didn't want to tell him over the phone but she was scared to do it face to face. She didn't lie to be weak in front of him. She was the daughter who managed to make it down the aisle solo. The daughter who saved the Newport Group time and time again. She was the daughter who allowed her husband to dominate her and inflict her fear of coming home from work afraid he might be in a worse mood than the day before. The daughter who prayed every night that her son's would stay innocent. That he wouldn't suddenly turn in them as he had done with her.

"Kiki? How are you? Still got the flu?" he said hurriedly.

"Are you busy right now? Can we talk?" her voice almost cracked as she awaited his answer.

"Kirsten, what's wrong." He said finally focusing his full attention at the urgency in his daughter's tone.

"Daddy…" she whispered too embarrassed to say it allowed, "I need to talk to you." She let out a single tear and prayed her father couldn't hear it fall.

"Are you at home? I'll come over now." He heard the line go dead and took it as a yes. He snatched his car keys and headed for the door. He called to his assistant, "Cancel my appointments today."

"But sir your clients are already here." She called back as he got to into the elevator.

"So tell them to go home," he answered frustrated as he pressed the ground floor button again willing it to close. He knew from her voice something was seriously wrong. He feared her safety. For his family. Thoughts raced through his mind as he speed down the highway. Was she pregnant? No. He knew she would be happy about that. She sounded almost scared. Maybe someone was hurt. Seth. Sandy. Ryan. Maybe even her. Cancer? Her mother had it. It could be genetic right? He took a deep breath and tried to calm down as he repeated to himself. It could be nothing. It could be nothing. It could be nothing. It could be nothing.

**I have Michelle to thank for the line**

"_**It was as if an alien had come down and taken over his body and he was any minute going to be knocking on the door singing, "Please Don't Give Up On Me," again"**_

**So thanks hun for the gentle comedy lol.**


	7. Daddy Dearest

Hope you like. And as always please leave a review.

Chapter 7

Caleb found his daughter in the kitchen propped up on a stool. Her hair tied back loosely into a ponytail and wearing an oversized sweater with the words Berkeley stitched across the chest. She always wore Sandy's clothes when she was upset. Her head was down staring into a glass of wine. He frowned. It was only three o'clock in the afternoon and she was cracking open the wine. Something was seriously wrong. It was only when she looked up he saw the damage. Her eye was bruised badly and her lip was swollen and cut. Her hands shook uncontrollably and her wrist looked oddly twisted out of place, "Kiki?" he asked softly. Her eyes were red from crying. She looked at him before bursting into a fresh flood of tears. He hurried to his daughter and she instinctively wrapped her arms around his waist and wept. He stroked her hair and held onto her as the sobs wracked her body. She shuddered slightly and she quietened. She clung to his waist feeling safe for the first time in months. She didn't want to let go. Her father had always protected her and looked after her. As much of a hard bastard everyone thought he was he was still her dad. Her protector. He lifted her chin to look at him.

"Kiki. Tell me what happened." His voice was smooth and strong in comparison to her quaking sobs.

"Daddy…" she said softly still holding on to his waist. Caleb unravelled her arms from his waist and led her to the den where they settled on the couch. He was trying to stay as calm as possible. For her. He hoped she couldn't see he heart pounding beneath his ribs. He felt a fresh rush of anger as he watched his daughter wince as she sat down. He pulled her close to him and she settled her head onto his chest. She could feel his heartbeat quicken on her cheek and guilt raced through her for putting this on her family.

"What happened." He asked again waiting patiently for the first time in his life.

"He hurt me, daddy…" she whispered so he had to strain to hear her, "Sandy. He hurt me." Caleb stiffened not believing her words. Sandy loved his daughter to the core. He'd never do anything to hurt her. Ever. He couldn't. But as Kirsten's body shivered under his touch he felt white-hot rage race through him.

"Sandy did this to you?" he asked. He pushed Kirsten up to sitting position. He ran his hand across her broken face, "This?" he asked pointing to her eye. She nodded sadly. "How long?" he said sternly, "How long has this been going on?" Kirsten remained silent. She felt guilty for keeping her father in the dark. For lying to him. For doing this to him. For loading him with her problems.

"I'm sorry dad." She whispered.

"No. Do not say sorry Kirsten. Just tell me how long."

"I don't know…"

"Don't lie to me Kiki. Don't." his face flushed crimson and Kirsten shrank away from her father almost afraid again.

"I'm sorry Kirsten." He took her hand in his and she relaxed slightly, "Just tell me how long."

"A few months. Maybe three." She couldn't remember. The beatings ran into one another. Everything was messed up and it was all a blur. All she could remember was his face. When he gritted his teeth and beat her over and over again. That was her memory. It was like someone else had taken over and he wasn't her husband anymore. She watched her father jump from the couch and into the kitchen. She followed him as best she could calling out his name.

"Dad! Please what are you doing?"

"Just stay here Kirsten." He said as he reached for the phone. She grabbed it from his grasp.

"Dad? What are you doing?"

"Don't worry about it Kirsten now give me the phone," he ordered but Kirsten pulled away.

"No. If you do that you'll be just as bad as him. And I need you here. With me." she cried softly," I'm scared dad. I need you. Just leave him. You can't do that to me. I can't lose you both." Caleb dropped his hands to his sides.

"I can't let him get away with this."

"Please. Do it for me."

* * *

Ryan glanced at Seth worriedly. They both sat opposite Summer and Marissa in the pool house. Marissa frowned as Summer gestured hysterically with her hands, "Come on Cohen. I cancelled a body wrap for this." Ryan began. 

"Look something… happened. Something big and we wanna tell you about it but you have to promise not tell okay?" Summer stop waving her hands a worried look forming on her face. Marissa nodded.

"Okay."

"Okay." Summer said quietly, "What's wrong. Is everybody okay?"

"No. Seth said suddenly, "My mom. She got hurt. She's been in hospital for the past four days. That's why we haven't been in school." There was silence for a moment the girls obviously processing Seth's outburst and rush of words. It was as if he just wanted it out.

"What happened?" Marissa asked shocked.

"Sandy." Ryan said simply. Marissa frowned again and Summer stared on dumbfounded.

"Ryan what are you talking about?"

"Sandy," he repeated, "He hurt her. Badly."

"But," Summer started, "But Sandy loves Kirsten. They're like the only normal couple in your family. Why would he hurt her?" she asked her voice rising.

"We don't know. She wouldn't tell us." Seth answered in monotone. He got up from his place on the bed and left the pool house. He remembered when he was trapped in it one new year and his claustrophobia took over. This is how he felt all over the house. Like it was closing in on him, consuming him. It was no longer home. It was a torture chamber and his mother was the victim and his father cracked the whip. He sat down next to the pool and dipped his legs into the cold water enjoying the numbing sensation as the water danced between his toes. He saw a dark shadow fall behind him and a figure sat down next to him. A pair of dark brown eyes looked into his own. He knew she could see into his soul. She watched as large tears formed in his perfect brown eyes and she placed an arm around his shoulder, "You're not alone okay?" she soothed, "You have me. And Marissa. You and Ryan are not alone in this. We'll all be there for Kirsten. Don't worry baby. We're all here." He turned to Summer and buried his face into her neck sobbing quietly.

"I loved him, Summer. I loved him so much. He was my dad and now… now I've lost him."

Both Ryan and Marissa stood in the doorway watching Summer comfort Seth. Marissa had an encouraging hand on his shoulder, "You know you don't have to do this alone. You have us. And I promise I won't tell anyone."

"Well Kirsten just called Caleb so no doubt your mom'll find out." Ryan said in a surprisingly calm tone.

"Yeah well don't worry. She wouldn't tell anyone this. I mean she's a bitch but I don't think she'd stoop that low." Ryan smirked and Marissa smiled.

"Thanks, Marissa." Ryan watched Seth and Summer both stare out to sea. He saw Kirsten through the window in the arms of her father. And Marissa by his side just being there.

**Please R&R**


	8. Rescue Me

**Okay people I'm on like 60 peoples author alert and I only get like five reviews per chapter. Yes I mean you so do me a favour and maybe just this once leave a review and tell me what you think. For all those who could be bothered thank you. **

**Sorry I took so long to update but here ya go.**

Chapter 8

Summer and Marissa exchanged a worried glance as they passed Kirsten in the kitchen, "Hey Kirsten." Marissa said softly trying not to stare at her swollen eye. Summer stood back uncertainly not sure if Kirsten knew that they both knew the full story.

"Hey Marissa. Summer." Kirsten nodded in their direction. Summer smiled sadly and Kirsten's heart broke. How could she have done this to her family? They were all afraid of saying the wrong thing. Marissa stood uneasily staring at Kirsten and Summer hung back behind her unsure of what to do or where to look. Kirsten averted her eyes from their pitying gazes to her father. Caleb entered the kitchen with three steaming plastic bags in his hand. Kirsten turned to the girls, "You guys staying for dinner?" Marissa glanced at Summer who shook her head.

"Uh we can't we're having dinner with my dad tonight. Step-monster's out of town and… uh no but thanks." Summer shot a glance out to the poolside and saw Seth still staring out to sea his feet dipped in the icy water of the pool and Ryan behind him silently gazing at the sky.

"Yeah Kirsten thanks but we better go." Both of the girls left with a short goodbye and breathed a sigh of relief when they were on the road. Kirsten relaxed a little knowing she wouldn't have to make small talk with the girls.

Kirsten took a seat in front of her father and smiled. He stared back concern still evident on his wizened features. He knew the damage his son-in-law had caused but looking at his daughter now he saw her put her guard up. She smiled softly and began to slice into her chicken but when Caleb looked into her eyes they screamed with fear. Sadness. And most of all loss. But he smiled back going along with her. "I'll do whatever it takes to get her back on track." He thought to himself. He no longer cared about the business or the fact that his wife was probably having an affair. All he wanted was his daughter back.

Both Caleb and Kirsten ate in an uncomfortable silence. Caleb knew it would be silly to ramble on about the weather or the magazine. And Kirsten really didn't know how to take either of their minds off of the situation when she stared at him through a black eye. Caleb glanced at the hand she held her glass of wine in, "How's your wrist doing? Any better?" Kirsten looked down at her hand nodded.

"Yeah just like they said. It's healed itself." She paused for a moment before asking in a soft whisper, "What am I going to do?" She lowered her head and sighed. Her dinner now cold and her wine gone from the glass she leaned her forehead on the heel of her hand. Caleb placed his cutlery onto the table and for once said nothing. He reached across the table and held her hand in his own. He gave it a gentle squeeze and smiled. He was trying to be strong for her. He wanted to respect her wishes but he knew he couldn't let him get away with it. It just wasn't in him.

Seth swung his legs out of the pool and got to his feet. He glanced in the kitchen and saw both his mother and his grandfather eating dinner. He wiped away the last of his tears and faced his brother. Ryan stared back at him waiting for him to do something. But Seth just stared before turning his back on him again. Ryan placed a hand on his shoulder, "Come on man it's gonna be okay." Seth nodded.

"Yeah it is. Because we don't need him. And I've gotta be strong. For her. We're all she has left bro. We do what we can." Ryan would have laughed at this speech but the seriousness in Seth's eyes stopped him. Seth stuck out his hand and Ryan shook it.

"Okay."

Marissa and Summer drove in silence with Marissa behind the wheel and Summer gazing out if the window to her right. Marissa was the first to speak, "I can't believe it." Summer turned and nodded.

"I know. I always liked him too. They seemed so happy."

"Guess my family isn't such a train wreck huh?" Marissa commented her thoughts drifting to her mother. Summer frowned.

"Coop, this is your family." Marissa opened her mouth slightly and closed it again. Summer sighed and stared out of the window again. Marissa stopped at a red light and drummed her fingers on the steering wheel impatiently. Summer jerked from her seat and Marissa spun to see what was wrong.

"Summer?" she asked placing her hand on her shoulder, "What is it?" Summer pointed to the side of the road where a middle aged man swayed up the sidewalk. He stumbled slightly over his own feet and tugged at his already loose tie. His hair hung shaggy and grimy over his face and his five o'clock shadow grew dark and rough on his usually handsome face. Marissa looked at Summer, "Do we help him?" she asked desperately. Summer shrugged.

"I don't know, Coop. I mean he's like really drunk and… maybe we should give him a ride home."

"He's not getting in my car, Summer. Did you even see the bruises on her face. What'll he do to us?"

"Well we'll put him in a cab. But I know we can't just leave him." Summer spun around at the sound of horns beeping behind her, "Pull over.." Marissa pulled to the side of the road and got out the car followed by Summer. They both approached him carefully, "Sandy?" Summer asked in a small voice. Sandy straightened up.

"Summer? Marissa? What are you doing out this late? Go on get on home or your mother will have my head." He tried to usher the girls back to the car but stumbled in the process. Marissa grabbed his arm and led him to a bench.

"Just sit down, Sandy." She said forcefully. Sandy noted the firmness and anger in her voice and sighed. Word was out. He was now officially the guy who beat up his wife. Marissa pulled Summer to the side, "Should we call Ryan?" she asked. Summer shook her head.

"I don't think he should see him like this. Let's just put him in a cab and go home. He'll sober up and maybe try to talk to them. I don't know it's none of our business so lets just get him to bed." Summer pushed past her friend and headed for the drunken old man hunched over on the bench. Summer sat down next to him, "Sandy?" she asked softly. He looked up at her through greasy hair and smiled his trademark smile, "Sandy. Where are you staying?" he frowned slightly and fumbled in his pockets. He pulled out a key with the number 85 marked on it.

"It's the year we got married." He slurred. Summer showed the key to Marissa who recognised the design on the key chain.

"The Mermaid. It's by the pier."

"You wanna get a cab?" Summer asked. Marissa sighed.

"No we'll take him home." She stooped down and threw his arm over her shoulder, "But I swear if he vomits. You're paying to get it cleaned."

Summer pushed open the door of room 85 and stumbled toward the bed. They set him down heavily on the mattress and swung his legs on top. "I still love her you know?" he said to them, "I don't hate her. Never wanted to hurt her. I love her." He was speaking more clearly now. His words no longer slurred together and his eyes had stopped rolling in the back of his head. He sat up, "I don't know why I did it. I really don't. I guess I always…" he stopped and looked up at both Summer and Marissa who were listening intently as to why he felt the urge to put his wife in hospital. Sandy shook his head, "It doesn't matter." Marissa felt white hot anger course through her body but she let out a long breath and held her tongue. Before she knew it Summer had jumped to her feet.

"It doesn't matter? What do you mean? You've like ruined your entire family and you say it doesn't matter? You don't deserve them. Any of them. Not Kirsten. Not Seth. Not Ryan. NO ONE!" Marissa tugged at Summer's arm and pulled her out of the room and slammed the door shut.

"Summer, stop it!" She held her arms by her side before letting her fall onto her chest. She sobbed softly into Marissa's shoulder as she stroked her hair, "Hey. It's okay. They're all going to be fine. Don't worry." Summer pulled away and wiped her tears.

"I know I don't have the right to feel like this. I mean it's not my family but…" Marissa pulled Summer's hand into her own.

"It's okay."

Sandy stood on the other side of the door and sighed. How many more people was he going to hurt when they found out about this?

**Please R&R**


	9. So Many Questions

**Okay people I'm on over 60 peoples author alert and I only get like five reviews per chapter. Yes I mean you so do me a favour and maybe just this once leave a review and tell me what you think. For all those who could be bothered thank you I love all your reviews and they're much appreciated.**

**Sorry I took so long to update but here ya go.**

Chapter 9

Sandy placed the receiver back on the cradle and sighed. He couldn't bring himself to talk to her. He listened to her confused voice before hanging up defeated. He ran his hands through his greasy hair before glancing his wedding ring. He twisted it around his finger. Kirsten's trademark signal that she was either upset or worried. He wondered whether or not she even wore her rings anymore. If she had perhaps taken them off but kept them hidden in a drawer or maybe she had forgotten about them all together. He reached for his wallet and slid a small passport sized photo of Kirsten and Seth out of it. Kirsten held a four-year-old Seth above her head grinning madly. Her eyes sparkled sea blue and her cheeks were flushed rosy pink. Seth, a drastic contrast of his mother with dark curls and chocolate brown eyes, giggled delightfully above his mother. Seth had the looks of his father. The sallow tone of his skin, the broadness of his shoulders, the small smile he managed to pull no matter how dire the circumstances. He had his father's wit and sarcasm but he had his mother's heart, her stubbornness and her forgiveness. He hoped to god that he would one day be forgiven. By his wife and his sons.

Kirsten answered the phone frustrated. She had been getting prank calls all week, "Hello?"

Silence.

"Hello? Are you there?" She paused and let out a deep breath, "Sandy I know it's you. Please just say something." The next that came was the dial tone echoing through her ears loudly. She closed her eyes and placed the phone back down. She rolled back onto the bed and stared at the ceiling circling her wedding rings on her right hand. They seemed to have grown accustomed to their new home. She didn't know how long she would have left with them. The diamond sparkled in the light coming from her bedside lamp. She slid them from her finger and placed them on her palm carefully. The three lay next to one another. She remembered the day she got them and her exact feeling in that moment.

_Sandy bent down on one knee and slid the faded plastic ring from her finger and replaced it with the two carat platinum setting triple set. Her breath taken from her suddenly she couldn't speak. "Sandy they're… it's too much but… oh my god Sandy they're beautiful."_

She pulled open her drawer and hid them away in the corner careful not to lose any. A single tear made it's way down past her cheek and onto the bedspread. She sighed and rolled back over onto her side away from the ringing of the phone.

Seth lay on his bed clutching Captain Oats to his chest. He had heard her crying earlier. He wondered whether or not he had tried to talk to her. Maybe explain but he doubted it. He doubted she would even talk to him but he hoped she would. Wouldn't it be better for her to know why he did what he did instead of going through life wondering what if? What if she had done this instead of that? Would that have changed anything? Seth wondered if he had done something to set him off. Was it perhaps his fault? Were he and Ryan so hard to handle that he took it out on her? And what about last summer? She had been alone with him for three months. Had it been going on since then? There were so many questions he needed answered and he knew he would never get them. He knew if he asked his mom or dad any of these they would never admit it was his or Ryan's fault. He tightened his grip on the plastic horse and threw him clear across the room knocking down a photo of his parents in the process. He pulled himself into sitting position and placed his head in his hands. He felt the room closing in on him as he sat there trying to catch his breath. He heard the phone ring but it was a distant echo compared to the screaming in his head. He bounded from his bed and bolted out the door. He had to get out. He considered calling Summer but he knew he couldn't really talk to her. Hell he couldn't even talk to Ryan about anything right now. He was too preoccupied with the voices in his head.

Ryan sat at the table on the patio and flicked through the newspaper. He passed the politics section and sighed. Nothing was keeping his mind of it. He didn't want to see Marissa. Seth was holed up in his room and he didn't know what to say to Kirsten. He felt alone for the first time in a while since he had come here. The last time he had felt so abandoned was when Oliver was around. No one believed his accusations. They didn't listen when he warned them he was crazy. After that everyone had rallied around him. His break up with Marissa, getting Theresa pregnant, losing the baby, Lindsay, Marissa…

He turned to face the ocean and rested his bare feet on the table. He heard a rustling behind him.

"Hey no feet on the furniture." A soft voice came from the steps. Kirsten climbed the stairs carefully pulling her thin sweater to her svelte frame.

"Hey. How you feeling?" He asked gently. Kirsten nodded and stayed standing. Ryan paused his feet now firmly on the ground before asking, "You gonna sit down?" Kirsten laughed gently.

"Yeah," she took a seat, "I guess I don't really feel comfortable in my own house anymore." Ryan didn't answer instead he shot another question.

"Can we talk about it?" Kirsten taken aback by his forwardness nodded. Ryan usually danced around the issue afraid of hurting anyone's feelings but she guessed he had had a lot of time to think about it and need a few conclusions. She waited for his first question, "Have you spoken to him yet?"

"No," she said softly. She wondered how deep she could go with this, "He calls but doesn't speak."

"Do you wanna speak to him?" He asked never breaking eye contact.

"I don't know. Not right now."

"You don't wanna know why? How he could do this to you?" Ryan asked his voice rising slightly. He broke off nearer the end and finished in a calmer tone, "How he could hurt you?" Kirsten didn't answer. She closed her eyes and hung her head. Ryan stared back, "Do you already know? Has he told you why?"

"I don't know. I mean I was pushing him about Rebecca and he was getting so frustrated and I jus kept going and going and he just cracked. I don't know Ryan I just… I can't explain. It's like he just changed one day you know and… he was gone." Ryan nodded and sat back in his chair.

"Thanks." He said simply and stared back out to sea. Kirsten watched him for a while. His strong features highlighted in the sun. His blue eyes sparkled but this time she didn't see the warmth. They looked empty but alive at the same time. It was as though something had died but yet something new was growing. She dared ask him a question of her own, "Do you wanna talk about it?" Ryan shook his head and repeated.

"Thanks."

Seth got to the bottom of the stairs and found his mother sitting at the island a cup of coffee in hand. At least it wasn't wine this time. "Mom I'm gonna go out."

"Where are you going?" She asked sleepily. Seth rounded the corner to face his mom.

"Are you okay? You seem tired."

"Yeah I'm just a little fed up. Where are you going?"

"Just a walk. Need to get out." He said breathlessly. Kirsten smiled and nodded.

"Know the feeling. Be home for dinner?" She asked looking back at her son. Seth nodded and turned away before turning back to his mother.

"Hey mom. You wanna come with?" Kirsten paused and flashed a brief smile Seth almost missed.

"That'd be great."

Kirsten sat in the living room and watched the screen as Seth battled some sort of demon. She had her legs thrown across his lap and Ryan sat in front of her on the floor. She occasionally ran her hands through his hair making comments every now and then.

_Ryan we need to get you a haircut._

_So why are we mad at this guy? _

_Is he a villain or a hero?_

_What the hell is the point in this game anyway?_

All three of them were exhausted. Kirsten felt a lot more relaxed after her talk with the boys although Seth's had been much more in depth than Ryan's.

"_Mom, I don't know what to say. Like seriously this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I can't deal with it. I mean as much as I complained about you and dad kissing and hugging and whatever I rather that than this. It's just… it's so hard." Kirsten listened to his rambling as the walked slowly down the beach licking Balboa Bars She nodded mutely as Seth paused and began again, "It doesn't matter. I'm just going on and on…"_

"_No. Seth, no I need to know how you're feeling about things like this. This is how we deal with it. We can't go through this alone. You said you'd be there for me so now it's my turn. Tell me. Tell me everything."_

Ryan yelled as Seth's player disappeared under a truck. Seth dropped his hands defeated. "Rematch!" he yelled and restarted the game. Just then the phone rang loudly throughout the house. Both boys stopped playing and looked to Kirsten. Ryan got to move from the floor.

"I'll get it." He offered lightly. Kirsten placed a hand on his shoulder.

"No I'll get it. You guys just keep playing." She got to her feet and marched into the kitchen. She paused before lifting the receiver, "Hello?"

"Kirsten? Kirsten it's me please don't hang up."

"What is it?" she asked firmly.

Ryan and Seth both stayed silent in the living room straining to hear the conversation in the kitchen. When their mother returned to the living room they both looked at her expectantly. "Hey who was that?" Seth asked casually.

"Boys. I need to talk to you." Both boys spun to face Kirsten looks of concern on their faces. Kirsten continued, "It's the Nana."

**Please R&R**


	10. A Pig In Shit

**Thanks for all the reviews. See it wasn't so hard was it? And to reward all you lovely reviewers I have updated quickly this time with 1740 words. See reviewing pays off lol**

**Hope you enjoy and as always please review**

Chapter 10

Kirsten sat in her car gripping the steering wheel. She was parked outside the familiar grimy motel she passed everyday when she went to work. She steadied her breathing and loosened her grip slightly. She smoothed down the front of her t-shirt and checked her make-up in the mirror before climbing out of the car slowly. She stood wearily and stared toward the filthy building that her husband was now calling home. Her car keys grasped firm in her hand she made her way up the stairs. As she placed her hand on the rail she felt a wet sensation spread across her palm. She pulled her hand back instantly and grimaced. This was definitely the grossest place she had been. Her feet slid on a greasy substance that covered the floor as she made her way to room eighty-five. When she reached it she prayed he wouldn't be home. Home. She laughed at that. He really was living like a pig in shit. She rapped loudly on the door waiting for his answer.

Sandy lay back on his tear stained pillow. He looked around the grubby room he now called home. The walls were a dark grey colour like a prison cell, the carpet stuck to your feet when walked on so much that he had taken to wearing shoes all the time. He remembered her voice on the phone. So soft, so sympathetic, so understanding. He wondered how the boys had taken it. Well more so Seth than Ryan. He wondered whether or not it should have been him to tell them. But he doubted it would have been any better for them to hear such news from the guy who put his own wife into hospital. He heard the sound of footsteps outside hoping it wasn't his neighbour returning home to take another rollicking from her husband. He listened to them all night screaming at one another until he finally shut her up with his fists. As he listened to her whimpering he felt white-hot anger surge through his body. He was so consumed with guilt and shame. The guy standing on the other side of the paper-thin wall was him. A shadow of Sandy Cohen a few weeks ago. He listened as the footsteps grew louder and they finally stopped outside his door. He saw the shadow of two sets of feet. There was a brisk knock on the door and a cough. Sandy frowned fear surging into his throat. He peered through the window to find a large man in a wife beater and his father in law standing side by side. He stood in the middle of the room trying to think of a way out of it but his neighbour's yells interrupted his thoughts. Kirsten's tear stained face rushed through his mind, the sound of her screams invaded his ears, he could feel her ribs crack beneath his fists and he lost his breath. He'd take his punishment. He pulled the door open suddenly and he was greeted by a fist to the jaw. He looked up shocked that it hadn't come from the Mr Wifebeater. Instead it was his father in law who stared down at him, his eyes burning with fury. "You stupid son of a bitch."

"Cal, I'm sorry." He began but he was silenced a kick in the stomach again from Caleb.

"Don't apologise, Sandford. I want you to meet my friend Mike. He's wanted to meet you for such a long time. You see he's very fond of my daughter and when people hurt her it makes him angry. You see where this is going Cohen?" he asked a slight sneer curling on his lips. Sandy didn't have time to answer as he felt Mike lift him from the floor and pummel him into the wall as Caleb pulled the blinds shut and locked the door. He turned on the radio loud enough to cover his screams of anguish.

Sandy lay on the floor in a daze as Caleb lowered himself over him, "So Sandford. Did you enjoy that? Because that's what you'll be getting everyday until I put you in hospital. Because that's what you did to my baby. You hurt her and I'm never gonna let you forget it. You'll pay Sandford. You'll pay everyday till the day you die. You hear me?"

Kirsten knocked again impatiently and was about to leave when she heard a yell from inside, "Go away! I paid you already." Kirsten's breath caught in her throat at the sound of his voice. She breathed deeply before answering.

"Sandy… Sandy it's me. It's Kirsten." There was brief pause before he answered again.

"Uh Kirsten. Do you think you could come back later I'm… I'm not feeling too good."

"Later's no good, Sandy. Just… can I come in?" she asked confused. Sandy sighed not wanting her to know about his visit from Caleb but he didn't want to reject her. This may be the only chance he gets to explain. To apologise.

"Sure. The door's unlocked." He answered wearily. Kirsten pushed the heavy door open to find Sandy in ball on the floor. His hair was matted against his forehead and he was clutching his stomach. He coughed loudly and she watched as the blood spurted through his fingers, "I didn't want you to see," he said croakily. Kirsten stood transfixed not knowing what to do. He was almost unrecognisable. His nose was bloody and a large bruise had formed over the entire left side of his face. She felt sick to her stomach.

"Sandy?" she asked incredulously. She paused briefly a realisation coning to her, "My dad was here." Sandy could only nod as his body quaked in pain and fear. He thought he would be lying there until the next day when they came back to give him a second helping. Kirsten placed her purse on the dresser and dropped to her knees next to him. "Look at you." She said and ran her hands across his face. He pushed her hands away.

"Don't please don't." he saw her eyes flash with hurt, "I don't deserve… just don't," he pleaded softly. Kirsten sighed.

"I know you don't but I can't just leave you here," she got up from the floor and went into the bathroom. She held a cloth under the cold tap and returned to her place on the floor. Sandy was propped up on his elbows. She positioned herself behind him and placed his head on her knees. He closed his eyes as she dabbed his face clean. She could see the damage more clearly now. Three large cuts scarred his face and the bruise covered his left eye and cheek, "You're a mess," she said resignedly. Sandy laughed softly.

"Yeah. I have been for months now." He admitted. Kirsten closed her eyes.

"I thought you loved me." she said lip quivering.

"Oh baby I did. I still do. More than anything."

"Then why would you hurt me?" she asked tearfully. Sandy pulled himself up trying to ignore the fact that room was spinning out of control. He looked into her eyes full of pain, confusion and most of all loss.

"Oh baby, I don't know. I think I had a breakdown or something… I'm gonna see a doctor or… a shrink or I'm gonna put myself in a mental institution with Oliver." He said trying to make a joke. Kirsten shook her head jadedly.

"Don't try and joke about this Sandy."

"I'm sorry. It's just… we've lived in Newport for what… fifteen years? And I've always hated it, then Jimmy Cooper moves next door and… and the whole thing… and then your dad and Rebecca comes back and I finally get o say goodbye and… and you drive her away and… " He paused again trying to catch his breath, "It's no excuse. I just cracked. It was too much. You were always the breadwinner and the decision maker and I guess the power of… oh baby I'm so sorry the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you or the kids. But I did and I deserve everything I get." Kirsten frowned.

"So all of this was because you didn't like the area you lived in? You tortured me because of Jimmy Cooper's crush and the fact that I was jealous over you and Rebecca?" he voice rose with each word. Her chest tightened as her husband nodded sadly.

"I know Kirsten… I know… I'm sorry." He laid his head on her lap and wept, "I'll do whatever you want me to do. I don't care… I'd kill for you Kirsten. Please tell me…" Kirsten replied her voice firm and unforgiving.

"You're never getting me back, Sandy. But… you still have the boys and no matter how much they hate you right now they both still love you. They miss you. You have to try with them. Then I can begin to forgive you." Sandy looked up tearfully.

"I told you. I'll do whatever you want. I promise." Kirsten nodded and got off the floor. Sandy tried to get up too but he winced in pain, "I'm fine. Just go," he said. Kirsten bent down and threw his arm over her shoulder.

"Come on." She said sagging under his weight. She helped him across the room to the bed. He sat down gingerly and removed his arm from her shoulder. Kirsten spoke first, "So about your mom." Sandy nodded his face creasing again in sorrow.

"Yeah?" He said, "At least she's not in anymore pain," She took his bloody hand and squeezed it tight.

"I'm really sorry for your loss. And we'll all be there for the funeral."

"It's next Wednesday…"

"I know…" Kirsten interrupted him, "You already told me." Sandy sighed realising he was trying to keep her with him as long as possible. She let go of his hand and rose from the bed, "I'll talk to my dad." She said and closed the door behind her. She made her way as quickly as she could down the slimy stairs and rounded the corner just in time to heave into the bushes. She retched a final time before leaning back against the building sobbing quietly.

**Please R&R**


	11. Can't Fix It

**Okay so I haven't updated in a while but I only got SEVEN reviews for the last chapter so I was getting pissed off. So this is how it goes more reviews faster updates. I don't see the point in writing if I'm not gonna get feedback for it,**

**But to you guys who did review, beachbabe666, TeacherTam, ally, britgirl2003, Panz (love your new fic btw), Cynthia and last but not least MICKEY! You know I love ya Chica! Thanks so much I really appreciate it.**

**Enjoy**

Chapter 11

Kirsten looked around the grubby room taking in her surroundings. She noticed a photo of her and Sandy propped up on the dresser. She smiled sadly as she remembered how happy they were. So unbelievably in love that it hurt to be apart. So in love that no matter what he did to her she could never fall out of love. It still hurt every night having to sleep in an empty bed. Her heart ached as she watched him clutch his ribs as he bent to tie his shoes, "Kirsten, please." He pleaded. Kirsten shook her head.

"If you think I'm gonna let this happen you're an idiot." She said sternly. He winced as he straightened up and she wanted nothing more than to hold him and kiss the pain away but his eyes flashed in hr direction and she remembered. His eyes wild with adrenaline and amusement as she crumpled to the floor in pain. She could remember his hands, the hands that once massaged her neck after a hard day, the hands that held hers as they sauntered on the beach, the hands that slid her wedding ring onto her finger as she stood next to him at the alter, the hands that clasped her own when they made love, the hands that took heart and crushed it with their might. She used to love his hands, so soft and gentle. They would touch her with care but then he changed. He wasn't so careful. They weren't open waiting for hers to place inside his. They were balled in a fist soaring toward her as she whimpered in pain. A small tear escaped her eye and he turned to her.

"Hey…" he said softly making his way toward her but she jumped from the bed and wiped the tears furiously. Sandy noted the panic in her eyes. Her awkward movements as she dodged his help. The crack in his heart widened just a fraction as she refused to meet his eyes.

"I'm fine," she said evenly. Sandy nodded and sat on the bed trying not to move. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt like this. The last time someone had given him a beating. This is what he had done to her almost everyday for three months. He was the kinda guy he hated. The guy he fought all is life to keep kids away from. The kinda guy he managed to save one of his sons from. He didn't deserve her help. He didn't deserve to be within an inch of her. He didn't deserve the memories he had, the photos, the life he could hold his hand up and say he once had. He hated himself.

There was a knock at the door and he felt himself tense. Kirsten turned to him and took a deep breath steadying herself for what was to come. She was about to turn the handle when she felt a hand on her shoulder, "Let me," he said seriously and moved away from the door. When he pulled the door open she watched as a fist flew through the door and collided with Sandy's face. He fell back onto the floor and her father came into view rubbing his fist. Kirsten ran to Sandy's side to survey the damage. Sandy was out cold. Caleb grabbed Kirsten's shoulder and she flinched.

"What are you doing here Kirsten?" he said harshly, "Don't tell me you're seeing him again?"

"I told you no, Dad. I told you I didn't want this." She said tearfully. He turned to the same guy as the day before and signalled for him to leave.

"I can't, Kirsten. He's not getting away with this. I won't let him."

"Look at him. He's not getting away with anything. He's lost everything. His family, his friends. His whole life is gone and nothing you can do is gonna make it any worse. So don't try and get revenge because it's not you who should be getting it." She stopped and watched as Sandy groaned and turned on his side. Caleb turned to his daughter and closed his eyes before bursting into tears. He covered his face with his hands.

"I don't know what to do, Kirsten. I don't know how to help you." He said through sobs. Kirsten pulled his hands away and wrapped them around her as she pulled him towards her. She held him for a second until his sobbing subsided.

"I just need you to be my dad. I don't need you to fix me," she said softly before holding his face in her hands and forcing his gaze on her, "Look at me, daddy. I'm not broken. He didn't take something I cant get back. I just need us to move on." She paused and wiped the tears from her fathers face, "Please can we just move on?"

Kirsten cradled Sandy's head on her knees the same way as she did the day before. She persuaded her father to leave her alone with him. He left reluctantly not wanting to leave her with such a monster, "He doesn't deserve this, Kirsten. Why are you doing this?" he said desperately.

"Because I love him," she said evenly.

Sandy opened his eyes to find her watching over him. He smiled, "I forgot how good it was waking up with you." Kirsten sighed and dabbed his eye with a cloth.

"This is it, Sandy." She said sadly.

"What?"

"This. This is the last time. I can't keep seeing you. Not like this. I can't be alone with you anymore." She said her tone cracking every now and then. Sandy managed to get to his knees shakily and face her.

"I am so sorry for doing this to you, baby." He reached up and cradled her face, "I love you so much. Enough to let you go. Enough to let you love again. I want you to be happy. I want you to find someone who can look after you. But I know they'll never love you as much as I do. As much as I always will." Kirsten dipped her head overcome with grief.

"I don't wanna let you go, Sandy. I don't wanna leave you but you're not you anymore. You're not the guy I love. You're not my Sandy Cohen who vowed to take care of me. You're not him. And you have no idea how much to hurts to know that I can't have him. That he's gone and I can't get him back no matter how much I pray."

"Baby, I'm here. I only went away for a little while. I'm here right in front of you."

"No you're not. You're the guy who hurt me. You broke my heart. It can't be mended Sandy. You can't fix it." She paused and grasped his hands, "I know I'll never find anyone to love who'll love me the way you do. And I'll never love again the way I love you. I'll never find anyone who'll make me as happy as you did. And I'll never stop loving you. That I can promise you, Sandy." Sandy placed his forehead on hers and held her head in her hands.

"I love you, Kirsten. Always will."

"I love you too." She said tearfully. She closed her eyes as her lips met his for the last time. She tried to remember her Sandy. Her tears mixed with his as she pushed harder onto his lips. She could feel it. Se could remember. She pulled away suddenly and pulled him into an embrace. They sat there for what seemed like an eternity holding each other. Neither wanted to say goodbye but they both knew they'd have to.

**Please, please PLEASE review!**


	12. Meet and Greet

**Okay so I've tried to make this as realistic as possible. I googled some stuff and tried to find out about traditional Jewish funerals but then again the stuff I found out might be a load of crap so I apologise if it's all wrong.**

**I know The Nana lived in New York and the Miami but I didn't want o have to jet them all over the country so her funeral is taking place in Orange County.**

**This chapter is just really to fill in some gaps before the next chapter even though not much happens in it so again I'm sorry lol**

**Please review**

Chapter 12

Kirsten straightened Seth's tie and smiled sadly, "You look handsome." Seth smiled awkwardly and nodded.

"You look… pretty… too…" he stopped and laughed again. Kirsten nodded and turned to Ryan who was waiting anxiously in the hall behind them. She knew he would feel silly wearing the yarmulke but he had insisted he be respectful.

"_Honey, you don't need to wear it if…"_

"_No. It's fine. I mean it's tradition right so… it's fine."_

Kirsten linked her arm in Seth's and headed toward the door.

Ryan drove in silence with Kirsten at his right. Seth sat in the back and fidgeted in his seat. The last time the boys had seen him was when she was still in the hospital. That was weeks ago. She could tell they were both tense. She reached over and placed her hand on Ryan's. She turned and looked at Seth, "He's still your dad." She said softly, "Both of you." Seth twisted his face in disgust.

"Yeah sure." Kirsten sighed. She knew she couldn't change his mind. He had to do it on his own. He had to want to see him again. She wouldn't force them. But she knew that Ryan had lived long enough without a father. He wouldn't want to have to cope without one again. Ryan glanced at Kirsten and nodded slightly so that only she could see. The rest of the drive was in silence.

They pulled up outside the chapel. There were a few people dotted around all dressed in black. Kirsten recognised Sandy's brother smoking next to the door. He noticed them as they climbed out of the car. "David, how are you?" she asked and accepted his hug. He smiled sadly and Ryan was hit by the alikeness of him to Sandy. They had the same brilliant blue eyes and when they smiled their face lit up. But his eyebrows were much less wild and he was tall and slim like Seth.

"Holding up. How are you, Kirsten? I heard about…I'm so sorry. He doesn't know what he's lost." David answered showing obvious disgust for his brother. Kirsten shook her head and took his hand.

"He's still your brother," she said firmly, "Lets just try and get through this first okay?" She turned to Ryan, "This is Ryan. Ryan this is Sandy's brother David." Both men shook hands and David grinned.

"Yeah sorry I haven't come down to see ya buddy," he said apologetically, "But it's good to meet you. You sound like a good guy."

"Nah man it's fine. Sorry about your mom." Ryan said releasing his grip. David turned his attention to Seth.

"Little man! How you been doing? God you've grown. Catching up to me buddy." He laughed. Seth grinned for the first time in weeks and embraced his uncle.

Just as David pulled away a young brunette appeared at his side. Kirsten spoke with her for a second as the boys continued to talk to David. Finally Ryan and she were introduced, "Ryan this is Sarah. Sandy's sister."

After another awkward meeting they were seated in the chapel. Sandy stayed at the front knowing full well that he would have to wait for his kids to approach him. Ryan was surprised to see that the casket was a plain wooden box. There were no carvings or designs on it at all. He wanted to ask Seth why but he knew it would be a stupid thing to do in the middle of a funeral.

Both Ryan and Kirsten were unfamiliar with any of the Jewish practises and so followed Seth at the appropriate moments. They stood and sat and said amen just as Seth did and walked out to the graveside just behind him. Seth seemed to be taking it hard. He hadn't spoken much over the past few hours but he didn't seem to be anywhere near crying. Kirsten held his hand tight in her own and he squeezed back appreciatively. They surrounded Sandy and his siblings at the graveside. Sandy's shoulders shook and David placed his arm around him. The casket was lowered after several prayers and they all stood waiting to throw dirt into the grave. Ryan glanced at Seth again and saw his face chalk white in the light. His eyes were brimming slightly with tears as he lifted the shovel and threw in three lots of dirt. Ryan saw that he never took his eyes off of his father. He watched him intently waiting to see if he looked at him. He wanted him to look at

him. To acknowledge his presence but he didn't turn.

Sandy waited patiently with David and Sarah as the mourners left the cemetery each taking a turn to wash their hands. He stared at the ground afraid to look up in case he caught the eye of one of his sons. He couldn't take the pity. Or the disappointment. So he continued to stare at his shoes. A few seconds later another pair of shoes appeared next to his own. He looked up and saw Kirsten in front of him. "Kirsten," he said breathlessly. Kirsten studied his face, clean-shaven and washed for his mother but tiered and gaunt at the same time. He looked like he had aged about ten years since their last meeting. She pulled him into an embrace and held him firm.

"I'm sorry, Sandy." She whispered softly. He wrapped his arms around her holding on as long as he could knowing he could never hold her so close ever again. The warmth of her body eased its way through his heavy coat and he pulled her tighter to him.

"I don't wanna let go," he said tearfully. She pulled back and kissed him gently on the cheek.

"Go talk to your sons," she whispered. He let her go, the warmth draining from him as she walked in the opposite direction. He saw Ryan talking to David quietly but there gentle conversation halted as he approached them. David made his excuses and left quickly leaving an uneasy silence in his wake.

"Ryan," he said gently.

"I'm sorry about your mom," he finished for him. He was obviously trying to make it as easy as he could. Ryan wasn't about to let him go. As much as he had hurt Kirsten he couldn't handle not having a dad again.

"Thanks. I just wanted to say… sorry and… I still wanna see you. If that's what you want." He paused knowing his wording was all wrong, "I mean I understand if you never want to see me again but… if you do then. Then let me know." He stopped and waited for Ryan to react but instead he stared at him not knowing what to do. After a second Ryan nodded.

"I do wanna see you but… I need time before I… I wanna get the image of you out of my head. I can't think of you like… like AJ or… you're not like that. I know you're a good person but right now you're just a guy who beats up his wife and I don't want to see you like that. Give me a while and I'll call you or come see you." Sandy nodded surprised at his response. Ryan left him alone and returned to Kirsten and Seth.

Sandy saw his dark headed son staring at him. He wanted to go up and try to make peace but he couldn't find the feeling in his legs. Just as he was about to turn away he saw Kirsten gasp in his direction. He frowned and turned to see what she was staring at to find a familiar brunette walking toward him.

Kirsten felt her heart tear in two as he hugged her tight.

_Rebecca Bloom was back._

The woman who started it all

The woman who turned her husband into a monster

Kirsten felt sick as she watched her squeeze his hand and hold it against her chest. Kirsten turned and placed her hand on a tree to steady her quaking frame. Ryan took her elbow. "Are you okay?" he said concerned. Kirsten nodded.

"Just dizzy. Can we go home?" she asked hurriedly. Seth and Ryan both went to her side and helped her across the cemetery as Sandy watched over Rebecca's shoulder. 

**Hope you liked.**


	13. Sick

**Ok this chapter is a little bit more R than others but it's not bad.**

**Thanks for the reviews guys they're awesome.**

**Please review again!**

Chapter 13

Rebecca looked at him searchingly through deep brown eyes, "What's wrong?" she asked suspiciously. Sandy frowned.

"Well this is my mother's funeral, Rebecca." He said placing his arm around her to lead her across the grass and out of the cemetery. Rebecca shook her head and looked back up at him.

"Don't lie to me." He couldn't help his lip trembling and a small tear escaping down his cheek. They stopped and Rebecca pulled him back down into her arms. He wrapped his arms tightly around her body and cried into her neck. Her long brown hair tickled his nose and her perfume stung his eyes and he was suddenly catapulted back to his teens when they'd steal her mom's car and drive around the neighbourhood until they found a spot. They'd set up camp on the bonnet and relax under the stars enjoying the silence. A rest from their busy, noisy lives. An escape from the constant fight to survive when they could simply lay there, legs entwined under the jewelled night sky. They had had their best moments on the hood of that car. After losing they're virginity in the back seat they decided it was too cramped and opted for the hood instead. He smiled at the memory and his sobbing subsided slightly. She was whispering something to him about his mother but he couldn't hear her. Her voice was blocked by the screaming silence surrounding them. He couldn't concentrate as she wiped his tears and kissed his cheek. It was her name that brought him back to consciousness.

Kirsten.

He blinked, "What?" he asked shakily.

"Is it Kirsten? Is this what this is about?" she asked again showing obvious concern for her friend. He nodded.

"How do you know?" he asked panicked. He thought she had kept it to herself. He was sure no one knew about it. He dreaded to think of how he would be treated now. How people will react to Kirsten. To his sons. He felt bile bubble in his throat as he pictured the disgusted looks on people's faces when he arrived at the store or when walking down the street. Rebecca smiled.

"Well you weren't sitting together in the chapel and you barely spoke all day. What else could it be?" she said still grinning, "So what did you do? Wear a two hundred dollar suit as opposed to the two thousand Armani she had especially picked out for you?" she smirked trying to lighten the mood. Sandy sighed. She didn't know. It was still a secret. No one would be any the wiser. He began to feel sick again as he realised his own cowardess. Sandy shook his head.

"It's a little more serious than a fashion faux pas." Rebecca made a face and nodded her head.

"So what is it?" Sandy took a few steps away from her and winced as the memories flooded in. Her face bruised and tearstained. Her voice cracking and whimpering with each punch.

"I hurt her." He whispered barely audible. Rebecca frowned.

"Did you have an affair?" she asked unable to think of anything else that would have him so consumed in guilt.

"No Rebecca I hurt her. I really hurt her." Rebecca shook her head.

"I don't understand." She said desperately.

"I put her in hospital. I hurt her so bad Rebecca and she hates me and my kids won't talk to me and I don't know what to do. Rebecca turned away in disgust.

"Why would you do that to her?" She sounded like she was crying, "You loved her. How could you do that?" she said almost screaming.

"I don't know. I just lost it for a while and I didn't know how to cope. I didn't know what to do, Rebecca. Please you have to understand." He said going toward her. As he neared her she reached out and slapped him hard across the face.

"You're disgusting. You're just like your father." She paused and waited for him to react but he just stood there seemingly stuck in time. She continued hoping he was listening, "Do you remember him, Sandy? Do you remember how you and your brother and sister used to hide from him when he came home from work? Do you remember how your mom would try and pretend everything was okay? How she would cover the bruises and try to make sure you were always protected? Do you remember running to my house because he had knocked her unconscious again? Do you remember how she cried at night after you had gone to bed and he had passed out? Did you think about that when you were doing the same to your wife and kids?" She stopped and wiped the tears furiously away from her eyes.

"I never touched Seth or Ryan." He said softly.

"No you turned on your wife who was too weak to fight back and too strong to run away instead." She stopped trying to hide the tears and turned away from him again. She couldn't understand how he could be like that. Sandy Cohen would never be like his father. He had always vowed that. He would always get so angry thinking about his dad. He remembered the beatings his father had given his mom. He could still hear the whipping of his belt against her frail bones. Her cries still invaded his dreams at night. Rebecca knew all this because she used to be the one to hold him until he had fully awoken. She would kiss the nightmare away. She was promise him he would never end up like his father. It had always been his biggest fear and now it had come true.

When Rebecca turned back to face him and found herself alone. "Goodbye Sandy Cohen," she whispered.

Sandy found himself in a bar. It wasn't the usual well-lit, chrome-infested bar he usually found Kirsten drowning her sorrows in. This one was dank and grubby situated in the corner of a bad neighbourhood. He needed to get out of Newport. Away from the false and plastic people. He sat propped on a stained velvet stool sucking down his fifth bottle of beer. He had opted out of the wake. He wasn't even sure where it was being held. He was sick of everything. He was sick of pretending he was a nice guy who saved tortured kids from fist wielding drug dealers. Because deep down inside he was a fist wielding lawyer with no family or friends left in the world stupid enough to stick around.

Except perhaps Ryan.

But that kid didn't wan to lose someone else. Maybe it would be better for him if he did. Sandy Cohen wasn't a good guy. He was an idiot. A liar. A scumbag. It was time to stop pretending and let him be who he knew he was deep down.

It was only a short while later when he found himself stumbling around a motel room, not dissimilar to his own, with a young slim blonde. He saw the track marks on her arms and the circles under her eyes and there was no doubt in his mind that she was a hooker but he didn't care. This is what happened to people like him. This is what he was like.

Her name was Tina. Whether it was her real name or not he neither knew nor cared. She was about an inch shorter than him and her shoulder length hair was loosely curled. Her eyes were a paler blue than he'd have preferred but it could still work. He ran his hands over her ass and up her back. Tina's ribs poked through her top. Her skin was dry and rough unlike Kirsten's smooth soft complexion. Her face was harder but that was simply lack of nourishment. She was much skinnier than Kirsten but what did he expect from a junkie? Her hair was lank and greasy and her eyes were dull and lifeless but in the dark he could picture her. Eyes alight with desire, grinning ear to ear as he whispered dirty words in her ear. Tina gasped, "Sandy."

"Kirsten." He whispered back. She froze for a second and stared at him shock. He looked back at her with a hard stare, "You're name's Kirsten tonight." She nodded and tried to recover from her slip up. She had to remain professional if she was gonna get paid. As she wrapped her legs high up his back he remembered how her heels would dig into his back. Her hair would stick up wildly behind her and her face would flush pink. He kept his eyes closed during the entire thing not wanting to lose her face, her taste, her noises, her touch. He wanted to cocoon it inside his brain for as long as he could.

He finally collapsed on top of her breathless. He felt like crying but he couldn't. He didn't want to be a pussy in front of the hooker. Instead he laughed at his last thought. He climbed off of her and began to get dressed. Tina sat content on the bed still naked. Sandy turned to her, "How much?" he said hoarsely. She smiled.

"Fifty," she purred back, "Not up for another round?" Sandy shook his head and threw a hundred dollar bill on the dresser before leaving the room.

**Yeah so I don't know how much a prostitute costs these days so I was just guessing lol.**

**Hope you liked.**


	14. Forever

**I got bored with the O.C. so I decided not to write about it anymore but now I've kinda been reeled back in so here you go another instalment of the fic that's becoming the bain of my life! It's so hard to keep writing this.**

**This one's a little lighter than the rest.**

Chapter 14

Ryan watched as he stumbled up the stairs and onto the second floor. He fumbled around in his pockets for a while before he found his key but he couldn't seem to get it into the lock. Ryan sighed and climbed out of the car.

"Sandy!" he called as he approached.

"Ryan?" Sandy asked in bewilderment, "What are you… doing here? I didn't think you'd ever talk…"

"Yeah well let's just get you inside first. He pushed the door open and wrapped Sandy's arm around his shoulders and led him toward the bed. The smell of scotch seemed to seep from his pores. Sandy's eyes closed as soon as his head hit the mattress, "Sandy? Come on man wake up." Ryan sighed as Sandy's mouth lolled open. He turned and spotted the stained armchair in the far corner and decided to take a seat. He flipped open his phone and dialled.

Seth sat cross-legged on the couch next to his mother when he felt his cell phone vibrate in his pocket. He reached for it and flipped it open, "Hey."

"Hey Seth listen I'm at the motel…"

"What? Why?" Seth said loudly. Kirsten frowned and pressed her finger against her lips. He was interrupting the movie. Seth pulled himself off the couch and went out onto the patio, "What are you doing man?"

"I just need to talk some stuff out. I just wanted to let you know where I was. I won't be home till morning."

"How long I this talk gunna take?"

"Nah your dad passed out so I gotta wait till he wakes up. He's really drunk too I don't wanna leave him…"

"FUCK HIM RYAN! I don't know what the fuck you're doing but he deserves everything he gets. I hope he chokes on his own vomit. One less bastard in the world."

"Look I'll talk to you later… unless… if you wanna come over and… tell him… talk to him."

"Don't count on it." Seth said in a low tone before flipping his cell closed. When he returned to the lounge his mother looked up at him with a smile.

"He just has to get some stuff off his chest Seth." She said softly. Seth frowned.

"You knew he was going over there?"

"No but I heard your conversation. You weren't exactly stealth."

"I don't know why he's trying to talk to him. I don't know how he could ever be in the same room as him again."

"Well it's different for him Seth. He already lost his father. Maybe he doesn't wanna lose another one?"

"He'd be better off without him." Seth said under his breath.

Ryan's eyes scanned the room. There was a picture on the dresser of Sandy and Kirsten. The glass was cracked across the middle splitting them both apart. He sighed and for the hundredth time since he arrived wondered what the hell he was doing.

* * *

Kirsten woke up to the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs. She rolled over to face the door expecting Seth or Ryan but instead she found Julie in the doorway, "Morning Kiki… or should I say afternoon? Are you gunna lie in bed all day?" she said frowning. Kirsten checked her alarm clock. She'd slept in. She wondered why neither of the boys had woken her.

"Hey Julie. What's up?" she said trying to stifle a yawn.

"Kirsten! You forgot? Come on I've been looking forward to this for weeks!" she said pouting slightly.

"What are you talking about?"

"Uh duh! Spa day at The Montage?

"Oh Julie I totally forgot but I actua…"

"NO! You are so not pulling out of this. You don't have work and both your kids are old enough to look after themselves. So get dressed and I'll go make some coffee."

After a shower Kirsten padded downstairs in her dressing gown. She hadn't even bothered to dry her hair. She wanted to find Ryan and Seth to ask why they hadn't woken her earlier. As she got to the kitchen she found Julie reading the paper ad drinking out of Sandy's mug. She wanted to grab it out of her hands to try and preserve anything she could of her husband but she was distracted by a note on the fridge.

"Kiki? You're still not dressed." Julie said frustratedly. Kirsten crumpled the piece of paper in her hand and threw it into the trash. Julie frowned, "You know you don't have to hide it from me. I read it already." Kirsten rolled her eyes.

"I'm gunna go get ready."

"Kirsten?" Julie called, "Don't worry about it okay? I didn't tell anyone. And I won't tell anyone." Kirsten turned toward Julie slowly.

"Did my dad tell you?" she asked softly.

"No. I saw you at the hospital. I was dropping off the cheque for the fund-raiser and I saw you. I was about to go in when I heard the boys talking." Kirsten nodded slowly not knowing what to make of this.

"I'll go get dressed."

* * *

Seth lifted his skateboard and held it under his arm as he climbed the stairs. He figured it might be a good weapon if he tries to attack. Just as he reached the door it swung open suddenly and Ryan appeared. When he saw Seth he stepped out of the room and closed the door, "Did you talk to him?" Seth asked.

"I couldn't. He's still out cold. You wanna talk to him?"

"I… I dunno, Ryan. Should I? I mean he's my dad."

"Seth, I can't tell you what to do. It'll probably be another hour before he wakes up. He was pretty out of it last night." Seth swayed for a second.

"Wanna get some pancakes?"

* * *

Kirsten slid into the passenger seat and waited for Julie to pull out of the driveway. Julie turned to Kirsten, "Are you really up for a spa day?" she asked her eyes squinting. Kirsten frowned.

"What? Julie, you said you've been looking forward to this for…"

"Yeah I know," she interrupted, "But I have a better idea."

* * *

Ryan poured maple syrup onto his short stack before handing it to Seth. He gave him a small smile signalling that he was fine. Seth had been giving him funny looks since they met at the motel. "Mom called." Seth started, "She's going to some spa day with Julie." Ryan nodded.

"You tell her?"

"That we both chickened out? Yeah I did."

"We didn't chicken out Seth we just aren't ready yet. We will be." Seth nodded.

"Yeah I know I'm not. I don't know if I ever will be. I mean it makes me sick to even think of him as my dad. I don't think I'm ready for the weekend visits yet. Or if I ever will be." Ryan paused before setting down his fork.

"Look Seth I don't know about you but last night I made a decision. I don't want… weekend visits. I don't want anything from him anymore I mean I thought I did but… what I really want is to say goodbye. Forever."

* * *

Kirsten grinned and shook her head, "Julie, you have got to be kidding!" They were both standing in the shittiest bar in Newport. Actually she didn't think they were even in Newport anymore, "And what exactly is your itinerary for the day?"

"Getting hammered and maybe having a little sing song later?" Julie gestured to the karaoke machine. Kirsten shook her head.

"Alcohol. Yes. Karaoke. No." Julie smiled and signalled to the bar tender.

"Six shots of tequila please."

**Please review!**


	15. Over

**It's been weighing on me for a while now that i have all these unfinished stories floating around out there still being read and reviewed. I have people asking when i'll continue and i honestly had no real intention of finishing until recently so this is my first attempt of finishing my unfinished business. The rest of my stories will be finished hopefully quite soon and i hope you all enjoy them and forgive me for not reviewing for... two years now? Jeez has it been that long? Keep that in mind as you read lol**

Kirsten clinked her glass against Julie's and threw back another shot of tequila. When she opened her eyes she realised how much better the bar looked after a few rounds of hard alcohol. Julie giggled and sucked on a lemon. "I gotta say Jules this was a good idea! Whaddaya say we stay here aaaalll day?" Kirsten slurred into her own lemon. Julie giggled again.

"Well Kiki it's only 2pm and we've had about 10 shots of tequila. Maybe we should go have lunch and see how it goes?" Julie lifted her purse and Kirsten before helping her friend off her stool. Kirsten stumbled slightly as she got to her feet and allowed Julie to lead her out of the bar. When they reached the fresh air Kirsten felt the alcohol rising slightly in her stomach.

"Maybe we could hold off on lunch for a while." She said averting her eyes from the hotdog stand. Julie smiled and directed her along the street.

"We could go to the beach. Just sit for a while. Maybe you could throw up a little bit," she laughed.

Seth looked up at Ryan and sighed, "Are we ready for this?" Ryan groaned and pushed himself up off of his chair and threw a twenty down onto the counter.

"Now or never right?" he said with a sad smile. Seth followed him out to the parking lot and climbed into the passenger seat. His head pounded around his ears and he grimaced at the thought of facing him. Being in the same space and breathing the same air as him. He wondered if he'd be able to look him in the eye. He really fucking hated him.

Ryan stared ahead allowing himself to focus on the road instead of what was coming. He heard Seth shifting next to him. Ryan sighed and wondered if he'd have to hold Seth back from beating his father into oblivion. He shook away those thoughts and focused once more on the road. The giant mermaid came into view all too quickly as he wished they'd gone somewhere a liilte further for pancakes.

Kirsten sipped delicately on her water and leaned back into the sand. Julie sat next to her in silence running her fingers through the sand. "Maybe the tequila was a bad idea," Julie said with a frown. Kirsten smiled.

"You didn't force it down my neck... but it wasn't exactly the smartest thing," she confessed, her headache ebbing slightly.

"Have you spoken to him?" Julie asked softly. Kirsten looked over sharply unsure of whether she was prying or asking out of genuine concern. Julie sat up quickly and shook her head:I'm sorry... I just... I thought that if you wanted to talk about it. I mean you've only had the boys and Caleb. They aren't exactly the kind of people who are into talking about feelings and stuff like that..." Julie trailed off and remained silent hoping Kirsten would stop staring at her. Kirsten looked out to the sea and smiled.

"The boys have been great actually. They've been right next to me every day. Every step of the way. But i suppose you're right. Not so much with the talking."

Julie breathed a sigh of relief and straightened up, "So do you wanna talk?" Kirsten shook her head.

"Not really. I have a shrink for that. You are the person who's supposed to make me forget it all with tequila!"

"Well I'm your girl!" she laughed slightly dissappointed that she couldn't confide in her but also relieved. She had no idea how she could possibly comfort her. "But if you ever do want to talk... I mean I'm right here. Everyday. Every step. Right?" Kirsten smiled again and leaned he head on her friend's shoulder.

"Thanks Julie."

Ryan banged on the door for the third time in frustration, "Open the door!" Seth held back his eyes to the ground silently praying his father wouldn't answer. He heard footsteps behind him and he turned to find a short balding man heading for them.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" The man yelled.

"My Fa... someone we know is in there and we really need to see him. It's an emergency." Ryan explained wishing the man would leave.

"Yeah do you have a spare key or anything?" Seth asked shakily. The man frowned and shook his head.

"That's not gunna help ya. That old guy checked out about 30 minutes ago. Took a cab." Seth looked up at Ryan and watched as his brother tried to assemble this. They'd only been gone for around 40 minutes. Seth turned away and headed back toward the car as Ryan quizzed the man where the cab was heading. When he returned he slammed the door and sat in silence for a few moments. Seth lifted his eyes and Ryan punched the steering wheel.

"I don't know where he is. Maybe the airport... or the bus station...," he guessed softly.

"I don't wanna know..." Seth replied.

"What?"

"I don't give a shit where he is Ryan!" He yelled loudly. Ryan looked at him in shock. "I don't wanna see him again. I don't wanna know what he's doing or whoever else's lives he's ruining. I DON'T CARE..."

"WELL I DO!" Ryan screamed. Seth stopped and caught his breath. The both sat panting until the silence became too much. Seth was first to speak.

"Fine... you go looking for him. I don't wanna be a part of it. I can't do it Ryan. And i don't want to." He stopped short and kept his eyes looking straight ahead. Ryan nodded and turned the ignition.

"Okay. Okay Seth if that's what you want. But if we don't go after him now then we might lose him forever. You'll never get to tell him how you feel."

"I think he knows how i feel and i really don't care how he feels. I thought i did but i don't." Seth unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the car door, "Go after him Ryan and tell him all the feelings you want. I don't know how it could possibly help you but if you have to then go." Seth closed the door and headed toward the beach with his skateboard under his arm.

Kirsten paid the cab driver and fumbled for her keys in her purse. Just as she reached the front door it flew open, "Where have you been!?" Seth yelled as he pulled his mother inside.

"I told you i was out with Julie."

"Yeah for a spa day like 10 hours ago!" Why didn't you answer your cell?" Kirsten frowned and felt around in her purse. Her fingers came across a compact, a hairbrush, her keys (finally), and an old candy wrapper but no cellphone.

"I must have left it at the bar," she said slowly. Seth's outrage strengthened.

"A bar? You went to a bar? How drunk are you?" Seth asked trying to ignore his mother's amused expression, "Don't smile at me young la..." he stopped himself and relented, "So what did you do today?"

"I went out with Julie for some drinks. Then sobered up on the beach then to another bar for more drinks. Dinner. More drinks and some kareoke." Kirsten finished smiling widely, "Well i didn't sing but Julie did. "I Will Survive!" Can you believe it? She even dedicated it to me!" Kirsten laughed and headed for the kitchen. Seth stared on incredulously. This was the happiest he'd seen his mother in a while. "Hey where's Ryan?"

Ryan stood behind a magazine rack and pretended to skim the headlines. Sandy was sitting with his back to him waiting on the Greyhound to wherever. His head was down as if he was sleeping. Ryan wondered whether or not he was still drunk. He had driven for a few hours stopping in at every bar along the way. No one in Orange County had seen him so he headed for the bus and train stations. After a few hours he found him slumped in a chair and Ryan hadn't moved from behind the magazine rack since. He wondered what he should say. Should he try to convince him to stay? Let him leave and never look back? Should he even go over at all?

A few more minutes passed before he realised he was being watched. A few people were glancing at him nervously. He realised he'd been standing there for about fifteen minutes. He was going to have to make a decision whether he was ready or not.

Kirsten lay quietly on the couch trying to quell the pounding in her brain with a glass of water and two xanax at her side. Seth sat in the kitchen and waited. Waited for the sound of crushing gravel. Waiting for the sound of the engine quietening. For the sound of his brother opening the door. He waited for his brother to tell him that he'd spoken to him and that he forgave him. Seth's insides writhed at the thought. He could imagine him telling his sob story to Ryan. About how he was stressed and that he was sorry. He could imagine Ryan going to him with open arms. Ryan knew all about inner demons and if anyone was going to forgive Sandy it would be Ryan.

Ryan unlocked the door expecting to be bombarded with questions but there was silence. He saw Kirsten on the couch asleep. Ryan frowned and peered into the kitchen finding his brother on a stool. He was ghostly white and trembling. "Hey," he greeted weakly. Seth nodded toward him jerkily. He seemed terrified, "You okay?" Ryan asked gently.

"Yeah, i'm..." he trailed off not knowing how to answer. Ryan sat down next to him.

"Seth..." Ryan started but Seth interrupted him.

"I don't wanna know."

"What?"

"I don't wanna know if you saw him. Spoke to him. Hugged him. Punched him. I don't wanna know. I need to forget him. At least for now." Seth said in a rugged whisper. Ryan nodded.

"Okay." He said simply. He didn't know what else to do but before he could decide Seth got up off the stool and walked toward his mother. He covered her with a blanket and when upstairs to his room. Ryn sat in silence for a while before walking to the living room. His gaze fell upon Kirsten. His mother. The woman who'd taken care of him for those precious years. He vowed there and then to always look after her. It was the least he could do. He leaned over her and kissed her forehead before retreating to the pool house safe in the notion that it was all finally over.

fin.


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